This betty be good.

I hadn't imagined I'd spend most of my time here on the computer, counting spaces, editing phrases, sorting through decades of eye witness, but I also said I wasn't to judge how I worked here 1) because I'm working 2) because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. 

And now, I don't think I'm ready to go, in some ways. In others, I will be pleased to have a space back that I can work with, that is in part mine to coordinate. I space I can collaborate with. 

Did I do this right? I don't know. But I did it. 

Today, at about 3pm, I nearly packed up the car and left. It would have taken me about 6 hours to pack and then I probably would have stayed, but that is how I felt. I am carrying a very heavy load of guilt around and it only takes a whisper to tip me over, pour me out. 

I cried when I tried to put her down for a nap. I raged when I heard the door slam 11 times in 20 minutes while I was trying to get her to go back to sleep. I raged at 2am when the hall light was left on. The worst of this is I really have no idea if these things have an effect on her sleeping. Does she stop nursing every time she hears a voice or hears the door open, yes. Did she sleep terribly last night until 2am? Yes. It isn't an exact science. Neither is making. 

It's not a tap, you don't just turn it on. However, I would think after 15 days I would have some sort of flow going. Instead I feel like a sputtering tap in a disused property, just turned on again after a long hiatus. Loud gusts, built up pressure, sometimes nothing, sometimes spurting, sometimes knocking the pipes against the wall. Am I doing it right? I don't know. 

Did I make the right choice? She asks if I was able to get a particular thing working. No, I answered honestly, I can't handle it. I am fairly confident she was just being supportive, trying to acknowledge that it's honestly too bad when you can't get something working that you had honestly wanted to do. I read it as failure. You're right, I suck I didn't get it working. It's just that I had decided I didn't care. It's currently the only way I can handle anything. If I don't do it, it really has to become something that doesn't matter one iota, or I am filled with guilt and disappointment. 

So tomorrow I'm going to try working on it again. First I need to spend at least another hour on this computer digging up some images that don't remind me of another time where I had better ideas, better hair, better better, better everywhere.